I'll never be able to think about tomorrow if I am forever doing yesterday's work.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wrong Refuge
I’ve noticed that I don’t set aside a lot of time to play with the kids. They aren’t neglected, by any means. We do all of the necessities together - eat, dress, clean up, and go to the bathroom. Beyond that, though, I do not dedicate a lot of time to play.
Why not? Theoretically, I have the most time with Bunny. She is done with preschool at 11 am. We typically get home at 11:30, then have lunch. Now it’s 12 or 12:30. There’s kitchen cleanup, laundry, bills, phone calls, email, and all of my “grown-up” agenda.
With JD, I have even less time. 2:50 pm dismissal. Then he has after school activities four days per week. By the time we get home, it’s dinner, cleanup, then bedtime.
Weekends are packed with family, friends, and shopping with Wife. There is no time set aside dedicated to playtime.
Seems easy enough, doesn’t it? Put the smartphones away, turn off the TVs, maybe turn on some music. Get out a board game or some paper and crayons. Do home homework or read a few stories. Dress them in costume and have an adventure. Take a walk around the block with no agenda, no time table.
And yet, a week will go by and I’ll wonder where it went. I am terrified that someone will ask what we do when we play together.
Sounds bleak, doesn’t it?
We do have story time at bedtime. We do walk to and from school together, during which we talk about the world around us. When they have questions, I give them complete answers using adult-level vocabulary. So it’s not like we don’t spend quality time together. It’s just not often at home.
One thing that turns me off to play is bad behavior. Most of us know, as parents, that many of the best times are when we’re playing together. So it should be second nature, when the kids are not behaving well, to redirect to a game and get them back on track. Instead, it makes me more recluse, taking refuge in my domestic or administrative work. I enjoy focusing on cooking or making the budget. The chaos of children can put my nerves on edge and bring my serotonin down. I’ll even find a corner, pull out my smartphone, and look at email or play a video game. And that, to me, is unhealthy. I may as well light up a cigarette or pour myself a cocktail.
On the other hand, I know that it’s perfectly normal to want to escape chaos. While I’m at my best in an emergency, I am not good during irrational emotional breakdown. I often have difficulty empathizing with Wife when she’s facing or looking back at a challenge. Making practical sense or providing unsolicited constructive criticism seems to come out. Or, even worse, having a don’t cry over spilled milk attitude. And yet, that’s all that is something that these individual instances share - they are trying to make sense or to cope emotionally with their own versions of chaos. The kids are trying to play together without giving the other their space or things, creating a paradox of situations that cause their minds to get confused resulting in emotional breakdown. Wife is either coming from a stressful situation and is trying to release herself from the stress that enabled her to be at her best during that, while coping with the work ahead of her, all resulting in challenges to human emotional stability.
And there I am, running away, yelling, or being critical. I guess one of my challenges is the capacity to look at the present from a third person perspective. To hear the kids yelling at each other and think about what they need as opposed to allowing the noise to cloud my mind. I need to listen to Wife and think about what she’s actually telling me, rather than thinking about what I want her to hear.
Preparation is one of life’s consistent solutions. Preparing myself for the chaos that will occur over the course of the day. Preparing myself for Wife’s need for emotional support. Preparing activities to play with the kids, like an art project, an adventure, or making cookies (and not turning on the TV or handing them the iPad). Having things in place so that Wife has fewer things to check off of her mental list, like making sure that the laundry and the dry cleaning are put away and remembering to simply say, “That sounds like it was / is going to be challenging.” And putting myself in the best position my planning my day efficiently so that I am not running around, doing things at the last minute, reducing my own chaos.
While it’ll never be perfect, thinking it through will make more days good days. But I sure do love a good game of solitaire.
Why not? Theoretically, I have the most time with Bunny. She is done with preschool at 11 am. We typically get home at 11:30, then have lunch. Now it’s 12 or 12:30. There’s kitchen cleanup, laundry, bills, phone calls, email, and all of my “grown-up” agenda.
With JD, I have even less time. 2:50 pm dismissal. Then he has after school activities four days per week. By the time we get home, it’s dinner, cleanup, then bedtime.
Weekends are packed with family, friends, and shopping with Wife. There is no time set aside dedicated to playtime.
Seems easy enough, doesn’t it? Put the smartphones away, turn off the TVs, maybe turn on some music. Get out a board game or some paper and crayons. Do home homework or read a few stories. Dress them in costume and have an adventure. Take a walk around the block with no agenda, no time table.
And yet, a week will go by and I’ll wonder where it went. I am terrified that someone will ask what we do when we play together.
Sounds bleak, doesn’t it?
We do have story time at bedtime. We do walk to and from school together, during which we talk about the world around us. When they have questions, I give them complete answers using adult-level vocabulary. So it’s not like we don’t spend quality time together. It’s just not often at home.
One thing that turns me off to play is bad behavior. Most of us know, as parents, that many of the best times are when we’re playing together. So it should be second nature, when the kids are not behaving well, to redirect to a game and get them back on track. Instead, it makes me more recluse, taking refuge in my domestic or administrative work. I enjoy focusing on cooking or making the budget. The chaos of children can put my nerves on edge and bring my serotonin down. I’ll even find a corner, pull out my smartphone, and look at email or play a video game. And that, to me, is unhealthy. I may as well light up a cigarette or pour myself a cocktail.
On the other hand, I know that it’s perfectly normal to want to escape chaos. While I’m at my best in an emergency, I am not good during irrational emotional breakdown. I often have difficulty empathizing with Wife when she’s facing or looking back at a challenge. Making practical sense or providing unsolicited constructive criticism seems to come out. Or, even worse, having a don’t cry over spilled milk attitude. And yet, that’s all that is something that these individual instances share - they are trying to make sense or to cope emotionally with their own versions of chaos. The kids are trying to play together without giving the other their space or things, creating a paradox of situations that cause their minds to get confused resulting in emotional breakdown. Wife is either coming from a stressful situation and is trying to release herself from the stress that enabled her to be at her best during that, while coping with the work ahead of her, all resulting in challenges to human emotional stability.
And there I am, running away, yelling, or being critical. I guess one of my challenges is the capacity to look at the present from a third person perspective. To hear the kids yelling at each other and think about what they need as opposed to allowing the noise to cloud my mind. I need to listen to Wife and think about what she’s actually telling me, rather than thinking about what I want her to hear.
Preparation is one of life’s consistent solutions. Preparing myself for the chaos that will occur over the course of the day. Preparing myself for Wife’s need for emotional support. Preparing activities to play with the kids, like an art project, an adventure, or making cookies (and not turning on the TV or handing them the iPad). Having things in place so that Wife has fewer things to check off of her mental list, like making sure that the laundry and the dry cleaning are put away and remembering to simply say, “That sounds like it was / is going to be challenging.” And putting myself in the best position my planning my day efficiently so that I am not running around, doing things at the last minute, reducing my own chaos.
While it’ll never be perfect, thinking it through will make more days good days. But I sure do love a good game of solitaire.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Bubbles
JD has learned the joy of blowing bubbles in his milk.
Tonight at the dinner table, he blew some bubbles and asked, "Did somebody farted?"
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Orientation
Just a thought . . .
I'm sitting here, working in a fundraising letter for our elementary school when I noticed something. My computer screen has the wrong orientation. When I'm working on documents or looking at the internet, my screen should not be long left-to-right (landscape) like a widescreen TV, is should be long top-to-bottom (portrait) like a periodical or a sheet of paper.
So if any hardware or technology developers are out there reading this, take note that I want a monitor that can rotate like a tablet so that, when I'm doing word processing or web surfing, I have more space top-to-bottom. When I'm watching visual media, I can turn it to "landscape" orientation to maximize the wide aspect ratio.
I'm sitting here, working in a fundraising letter for our elementary school when I noticed something. My computer screen has the wrong orientation. When I'm working on documents or looking at the internet, my screen should not be long left-to-right (landscape) like a widescreen TV, is should be long top-to-bottom (portrait) like a periodical or a sheet of paper.
So if any hardware or technology developers are out there reading this, take note that I want a monitor that can rotate like a tablet so that, when I'm doing word processing or web surfing, I have more space top-to-bottom. When I'm watching visual media, I can turn it to "landscape" orientation to maximize the wide aspect ratio.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
What's going on down there?
"Daddy, why do you have hair on your penis?"
JD's question over dinner raised my wife's and my eyebrows. I was able to quickly recover.
As boys and girls get older, hair grows on their bodies. Boys grow hair around their penis and girls grow hair around their vagina.
That seemed like a good, objective, scientific explanation. It was a bit disconcerting to JD.
"But I don't want hair on my penis! I love it [the way it is]!"
Well, it won't happen for a long time, I replied.
One thing that Wife and I do is to use "dictionary" words with the children. We say penis and vagina. We use words like rhetorical, negligible, and conspicuous. And we definitely don't refer to our private parts as "wee wee" or "pee pee". Okay, I guess we say pee and poop instead of urinate and bowel movement. You got me there.
Something that I have always disliked is, "Because I said so." That doesn't come out of my mouth. I hated hearing it as a kid (though rarely did) and I cringe when I hear fellow parents say it now. How dumb do people think their kids are? Or, how hard is it to give a simple explanation for the decisions we make? Why do I have to tie my shoes before going down the stairs? Why do I have to look both ways before I cross the street? Why don't I have hair on my penis? They all deserve answers, especially if you want to develop critical thinkers and good decision and policy makers.
There are questions they could ask that require greater maturity to understand. For example, what if one the kids "walked in on us" or accidentally clicked the wrong link while online. How would I handle that?
At times, I may have to delay my response. To that, I would say to JD or Bunny, "Let me think about that."
To me, "Because I said so," means that the parent does not have a good reason. The behavior seems wrong, though she doesn't know why. When our employer makes a change in the workplace and the government enacts a new policy, we like an explanation. Why is it different for kids?
It also helps them understand how we form our values. There will be times that you tell your child that she can't do something that her friend is allowed to do. If you say, "Because I said so," you are telling your child something demeaning about her character. While it is likely that the explanation will not make them happier about the decision in the immediate, she will appreciate and probably regurgitate the explanation at a later time.
And, as in all things parenting, it's all about the long run because her behavior sure as hell isn't going to change today or tomorrow. Or the next day, or the next day . . .
JD's question over dinner raised my wife's and my eyebrows. I was able to quickly recover.
As boys and girls get older, hair grows on their bodies. Boys grow hair around their penis and girls grow hair around their vagina.
That seemed like a good, objective, scientific explanation. It was a bit disconcerting to JD.
"But I don't want hair on my penis! I love it [the way it is]!"
Well, it won't happen for a long time, I replied.
One thing that Wife and I do is to use "dictionary" words with the children. We say penis and vagina. We use words like rhetorical, negligible, and conspicuous. And we definitely don't refer to our private parts as "wee wee" or "pee pee". Okay, I guess we say pee and poop instead of urinate and bowel movement. You got me there.
Something that I have always disliked is, "Because I said so." That doesn't come out of my mouth. I hated hearing it as a kid (though rarely did) and I cringe when I hear fellow parents say it now. How dumb do people think their kids are? Or, how hard is it to give a simple explanation for the decisions we make? Why do I have to tie my shoes before going down the stairs? Why do I have to look both ways before I cross the street? Why don't I have hair on my penis? They all deserve answers, especially if you want to develop critical thinkers and good decision and policy makers.
There are questions they could ask that require greater maturity to understand. For example, what if one the kids "walked in on us" or accidentally clicked the wrong link while online. How would I handle that?
At times, I may have to delay my response. To that, I would say to JD or Bunny, "Let me think about that."
To me, "Because I said so," means that the parent does not have a good reason. The behavior seems wrong, though she doesn't know why. When our employer makes a change in the workplace and the government enacts a new policy, we like an explanation. Why is it different for kids?
It also helps them understand how we form our values. There will be times that you tell your child that she can't do something that her friend is allowed to do. If you say, "Because I said so," you are telling your child something demeaning about her character. While it is likely that the explanation will not make them happier about the decision in the immediate, she will appreciate and probably regurgitate the explanation at a later time.
And, as in all things parenting, it's all about the long run because her behavior sure as hell isn't going to change today or tomorrow. Or the next day, or the next day . . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)