Sunday, July 8, 2007

Your overall score is...

It occurred to me that we don't have a good overall rating system for our infants. There must be a way to rank children, sort of like sports video games rank each individual player. For example, a basketball player could be ranked by his speed, agility, shooting ability, ball handling, jumping, dunking, passing, and endurance.

Besides babies' size and other such physical traits that are already ranked by doctors, couldn't we incorporate cosmetic and social skills? Let's see what we can come up with...

Height/length, weight, body proportion. Ok, those are easy. How about hair? Color and length are good, but what about consistency over their head? More points for fewer or no bald spots. And curls? Who doesn't love curls? But what about a totally bald baby? Also cute. That's like shooting the moon in hearts. And eyes? Everyone comments on babies who have big eyes. Hand and foot size. Dimples? Bonus points.

Then there's demeanor. Smiling is a must. General expressiveness needs to be scored. How about crying? Crying is not necessarily a bad thing, but how does it sound? Is it cute or is it a cry of terror, a piercing shriek? How about the faces they make when they cry? Does it last forever or can he be easily consoled? Does she laugh? Do they sleep through the night? Do they nap well? How do they do on car rides, long or short? How about several short trips in a row? In the grocery store? In a department store? How do they respond to different people? Do they flirt? Do they recognize other children? Too attached to her parents? That would lose points. Antisocial children are so...unpresentable.

We certainly have to consider dexterity in large and small movements. Rolling over, tummy time, crawling, sitting, standing. Can she roll both back to front and front to back? How about rolling both left and right? How long can he last on his tummy? Does he move or just stay in a push up position or lay on his face? Can he sit up or is he going to fall over? Can she stand by herself? Does she require assistance? Grasping objects while in different positions is important. Does he reach for things? Does he give up the first time he misses? Does she bat it or grab it? Can she grab a moving ball while on her tummy? Can he throw the ball with any direction, or is aim nonexistent? We have to know what kind of athletes these kids will be, for goodness sakes.

Finally, how well are these things done with respect to the child's age? Can't roll over by six months? That'll cost him. Still has to sleep with mommy and daddy at five months? No way you're getting into the upper echelon.

I think I'm going to fine tune this system. Then I can get it approved by schools and government. Hey, my child may not score well, but at least I'll know where he stands. And that's all that matters in the world, anyway.

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