A little fun

Bunny, please be quiet
But Mom, I'm just being silly.
You can be silly, but when you're loud it gives Mommy immense headaches.
But it gives me a little fun.

Costco Outing

If I recall correctly, I went in to Costco to buy chicken nuggets and pick up my contact lenses. Oh, yeah, we need turkey. Oh, yeah, I need plastic wrap. Oh, yeah, we need bacon. Oh, yeah, we need broccoli.

In the checkout line, I decided to get some frozen yogurt at the concession stand as the kids had behaved reasonably well during our shopping excursion that included two previous stops.

So we were standing in line and JD asked for pizza and a glass of water. Oh, all right.

The concessions people gave us a giant piece of pizza that required dividing. After sitting down, I gave Bunny the large cup of frozen yogurt (they only have one size - Costco size) and set out to make the pizza more able to be handled by a five-year-old. As I began to cut the pizza, JD picked up the water, and on the way to his mouth, dropped it in his lap. Yikes. I grabbed a pile of napkins and dried him off. No big deal. As I finished cleaning him up, I looked over at Bunny. She had apparently taken a huge scoop of frozen yogurt which led to slowly melting chocolate frozen yogurt drip-drip-dripping on her sea green skirt. Ugh.

Finally, they were cleaned up and eating. As they were finishing, I decided to alert the employees that there was a pool of water on the concrete floor under our table where JD had spilled. That's when Bunny came running up to me to say she had to go potty. When she comes to get me, that means it's time to go.

I quickly cleaned up and we headed to the bathroom. JD headed to the urinal and I took Bunny to the stall. She quickly pooped (she's quick,) then yelled, "Daddy, I stink! STINK!" Over and over again. I glanced over the stall walls (if you've forgotten or didn't know, I'm 6'5".) There were a couple of guys in the bathroom chuckling a bit.

So I cleaned her tush and exited the stall to find JD with his shorts and underwear dropped to the floor, his butt just hanging out. I just looked up and laughed, got their hands washed and headed home.

Totally Emotional Recall

July 30th was my parents' wedding anniversary. Except that my Dad died in 2004 and my Mom remarried in 2007. But it would have been 46 years.

I miss my father terribly. He was a considerable influence on my life. My parents' marriage was a considerable influence on my life. They had what many considered to be an ideal marriage.

I do not know whether they would have considered themselves that, as few of us see ourselves as others see us. (That is the burden of celebrity.) What I do know is that they were in love and worked hard to make their love persevere.

But now he is gone from my life in a material way. I do not have my "parents." How fortunate for me that the memories of my father are so positive and full of examples that help guide decisions.

When I miss him most, when I feel closest to him, I am very emotional and there is usually a good deal of crying involved. Why crying and sadness are necessary, I do not know. Perhaps that is an immaturity; in time, I may find that I can feel extreme joy or laughter and feel the same closeness.

In fact, it is those times when I am crying that I not only feel close, but feel as though he is in my presence.

I am learning to say, "I wish Dad was here to see this," or, "Dad would have loved this," out loud more often. It's something that I have not done until recently, and he died almost eight years ago. Last week, Wife and I went to a jazz club. Or when I cook something particularly good or eat something wonderful and spicy. I wish Dad was there.

I will spare you my thoughts on the afterlife and whether or not I think that he's always with me. We all have our own definitions and perceptions. So much so, that putting my feelings on that subject into a short paragraph would not provide a proper definition.

What I will say is that it makes me feel better to make a regular effort to remember Dad. I need to tell my kids stories about my Dad more often. I can even talk aloud to him, as if he were there with me, my consigliere. On the other hand. failing to recall his words and actions would equal discarding my math or reading education. It would be tragic to be around a person with so much wisdom and fail to recall it for practical use.

Know When to Scold 'Em, Know When to Walk Away

I am so angry with JD right now that I had to walk away for fear of doing something regrettable.

He was telling Bunny to put the stick of a flag-shaped noisemaker in her mouth. While not a good game to play, this should not cause me to blow my top.

The best advice, of course, would be to tell Bunny to remove it from her mouth and explain to both of them simply but with a tone of importance the dangers of putting objects in one's mouth. Then ask, "Is this something you put in your mouth?" They respond, No. "What do you put in your mouth?" Food.


A few days ago, though, Bunny came crying to me. JD had stuck a sword in her mouth. Not a real sword. It was actually the plastic shaft of a play golf club that had come unscrewed from the club head. Now, it was a grey, tubular stick about two feet long. There was no damage like bleeding other other visible damage. However, I did not react calmly and demonstrate the situation with a degree of reason.

I scared the shit out of him. First, I yelled about the danger. Then I yelled about whether he would like it if I stuck it in his mouth. Then I held him and held the "sword" and asked him again, as if I was going to stick it in his mouth. Then he got to spend some time in his room.

I was scared that he would hurt Bunny or someone else and wanted to scare the behavior out of him. Clearly, it didn't work.

Again, the lesson is to me, not to the kids. And it's something that I've theorized in the last year or so: hitting, spanking, yelling and other aggressive parenting tactics may curb the behavior in the moment, but such tactics do nothing to change behavior over the long term.

I do believe that there is a time when I have to give them an attitude adjustment. Those times are when their behavior is catastrophically dangerous and must be stopped immediately. I yelled a bit when the kids tried to go into the street after a toy. Or rough-housing near stairs. To me, those are times when the gentle approach isn't good enough or strong enough. A good dressing-down in those situations did not adjust long-term behavior, but it did get them to stop at that time. Once the behavior has been stopped for that instance, my takeaway is that the child needs more instruction about that behavior. Later in the day or the next day, a lesson about staying out of the street and proper street-crossing behavior is imperative. A lesson about falling down the stairs and general stairs safety is a must. When I'm at my very best, I give a quick, attention-getting yell, like, "HEY!" Then I return to calm and have an intelligent, rational discussion.

But expecting their behavior to be permanently altered after screaming or even a spanking is having unrealistic expectations. What is your hobby? Mine is golf. That would mean that I need a coach who, after seeing a flaw in my fundamentals that had been taught to me, screams at me or even smack me and then expect me to hit the ball correctly henceforth.

Call attention to the flaw, help the student come to the correct solution, practice, review periodically.

In this case, I again need to ask JD if things go in people's mouths. Then we should probably go though many different objects. Then we should talk about things that we do put in our mouth and when they go in our mouth. Then some positive reinforcement with a treat.

We are all human with limits in our patience and various reactions when that patience limit is reached and surpassed. One of the most difficult things as a parent is to know when we're getting to that point and find a way to redirect our negative reaction so that we can deal with the situation rationally and intellectually. The challenge is finding that voice inside of you that tells you when your limits are being reached - and then take action. Being strong (taking action) feels good. Being weak (failing to take action) feels bad. And nobody is perfect. Some of us ask God for help. Some of us tell ourselves that we can do it on our own. Whatever method gives you the strength to be your best, use it. Your children will thank you, you will be happier and spend less time regretting your emotionally charged negative outbursts.

And after writing this, I'm not angry and am prepared to deal with JD in a rational, intellectual manner.